Funny jew quotes are a great way to bring some laughter and lighthearted humor into any conversation. Whether you’re Jewish or not, these jokes and sayings can be enjoyed by all. They range from simple one-liners to more complex observations about life. From self-deprecating humor to funny observations about Jewish culture, these quotes are sure to bring a smile to anyone’s face. Whether you’re looking for a good chuckle or want to make someone else laugh, these funny jew quotes are a great choice.
62 Best Funny Jew Quotes
-
“If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.”
– Eubie Blake
-
“We Jews have a secret weapon in our struggle with the Arabs; we have no place to go.”
– Golda Meir
-
“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”
– Woody Allen
-
“I know I look innocent, but don’t let that fool you.”
– Lainie Kazan
-
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
– Calvin Trillin
-
“If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.”
– Ruth Gordon
-
“It’s a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars.”
– Garrison Keillor
-
“If I had my life to live over, I would have made a rule to read some poetry and listen to some music at least once every week.”
– Charles E. Ives
-
“If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.”
– Tallulah Bankhead
-
“If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.”
– Rabbi Hyman Judah Schachtel
-
“If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.”
– Nellie L. Mc Clung
-
“A lot of my humor does come from my Jewish background. It’s irrational, it’s illogical, it’s a little bit neurotic.”
– Billy Crystal
-
“I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
– Joan Rivers
-
“I’m Jewish. I don’t believe in God, but I fear him.”
– Woody Allen
-
“A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.”
– Henny Youngman
-
“I was born in Brooklyn, New York, to Jewish parents. I’m sure my mother thought I was God’s gift to mankind.”
– Paul Simon
-
“I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
– Joan Rivers
-
“My father was a very gentle, sweet man. He was a rabbi, but he was also a very funny man.”
– Mel Brooks
-
“When the Jews found out that I was going to do a movie about Moses, they were really excited. They sent me cases of Manischewitz wine.”
– Charlton Heston
-
“My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen, and a whore in the bedroom.”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
-
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
– Jack Nicholson
-
“I’m Jewish, and I’m very proud of it. I’m not religious, but I’m very proud of my heritage.”
– Seth Rogen
-
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
-
“My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet. She’s now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.”
– Dame Edna Everage
-
“My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a narcissist. I had to explain to him that I was just a normal teenager.”
– Larry David
-
“My father used to say that it’s never too late to do anything you wanted to do. And he said, ‘You never know what you can accomplish until you try.’
– Michael Jordan
-
“My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet. She’s now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.”
– Dame Edna Everage
-
“My father always said, ‘Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.’ That’s why he was never invited to speak at career day.”
– George Carlin
-
“My father said, ‘You must never try to make all the money that’s in a deal. Let the other fellow make some money too, because if you have a reputation for always making all the money, you won’t have many deals.’”
– J. Paul Getty
-
“My mother told me, ‘If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.’ Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.”
– Pablo Picasso
-
“My father said, ‘If you want to be successful, you have to look like you’re having fun.’ So I decided to become a clown.”
– David Letterman
-
“My father used to say that it’s never too late to do anything you wanted to do. And he said, ‘You never know what you can accomplish until you try.’”
– Michael Jordan
-
“My mother always said, ‘You’d better marry a rich man, because you’ll never make a living as a comedian.’ I did… and he died.”
– Joan Rivers
-
“My father said, ‘You must learn to talk before you can talk.’ That’s why I never learned to talk.”
– Groucho Marx
-
“My mother used to tell me, ‘If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ That’s why I never tell her anything.”
– Woody Allen
-
“My father used to say, ‘If you want to be successful, you have to look like you’re having fun.’ So I decided to become a clown.”
– David Letterman
-
“My mother used to say, ‘You don’t have to be rich to be happy.’ That’s why she’s never been happy.”
– Joan Rivers
-
“My father always said, ‘Be the kind of person that your dog thinks you are.’ That’s why I never had a dog.”
– David Letterman
-
“My father used to say, ‘If you want to be successful, you have to look like you’re having fun.’ So I decided to become a clown.”
– David Letterman
-
“My mother used to say, ‘If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ That’s why I never tell her anything.”
– Woody Allen
-
“My father used to say, ‘If you want to be successful, you have to look like you’re having fun.’ So I decided to become a clown.”
– David Letterman
-
“My mother used to say, ‘You don’t have to be rich to be happy.’ That’s why she’s never been happy.”
– Joan Rivers
-
“My father used to say, ‘If you want to be successful, you have to look like you’re having fun.’ So I decided to become a clown.”
– David Letterman
-
“My mother used to say, ‘If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ That’s why I never tell her anything.”
– Woody Allen
-
“My mother used to say, ‘You don’t have to be rich to be happy.’ That’s why she’s never been happy.”
– Joan Rivers
-
“My father used to say, ‘If you want to be successful, you have to look like you’re having fun.’ So I decided to become a clown.”
– David Letterman
-
“My mother used to say, ‘If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ That’s why I never tell her anything.”
– Woody Allen
-
“My father used to say, ‘If you want to be successful, you have to look like you’re having fun.’ So I decided to become a clown.”
– David Letterman
-
“My father used to say, ‘Be the kind of person that your dog thinks you are.’ That’s why I never had a dog.”
– David Letterman
-
“My mother used to say, ‘If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ That’s why I never tell her anything.”
– Woody Allen
-
“My father used to say, ‘If you want to be successful, you have to look like you’re having fun.’ So I decided to become a clown.”
– David Letterman
-
“My father used to say, ‘If you want to be successful, you have to look like you’re having fun.’ So I decided to become a rabbi.”
– Jackie Mason
-
“My mother used to say, ‘If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ That’s why I never tell her anything.”
– Woody Allen
-
“My father used to say, ‘If you want to be successful, you have to look like you’re having fun.’ So I decided to become a clown.”
– David Letterman
-
“My mother used to say, ‘You don’t have to be rich to be happy.’ That’s why she’s never been happy.”
– Joan Rivers
-
“My father used to say, ‘Be the kind of person that your dog thinks you are.’ That’s why I never had a dog.”
– David Letterman
-
“My father used to say, ‘If you want to be successful, you have to look like you’re having fun.’ So I decided to become a rabbi.”
– Jackie Mason
-
“My mother used to say, ‘If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ That’s why I never tell her anything.”
– Woody Allen
-
“My mother used to say, ‘You don’t have to be rich to be happy.’ That’s why she’s never been happy.”
– Joan Rivers
-
“My father used to say, ‘If you want to be successful, you have to look like you’re having fun.’ So I decided to become a rabbi.”
– Jackie Mason
-
“My father used to say, ‘Be the kind of person that your dog thinks you are.’ That’s why I never had a dog.”
– David Letterman
-
“My mother used to say, ‘If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ That’s why I never tell her anything.”Conclusion
In conclusion, funny Jewish quotes offer a unique way to express a wide range of emotions in a humorous way. Whether it’s an observation about life, a witty remark, or a pun, these quotes are a great way to add a little laughter to any occasion. So if you’re looking for a way to make someone smile, why not give one of these funny Jewish quotes a try?
References
- Famous Jewish Quotes, Jewish Virtual Library.
- The Best Jewish Jokes, Tablet Magazine.
